Sunday

Top Ten Most Humiliating Ways In Bed To Avoid

10. Farting
This bodily function occurs during romantic, familiar sex. Let’s face it – you usually aren’t relaxed enough during sex with someone new to let one rip. If you fart audibly during intercourse, try masking your blunder with loud dirty talk. Ladies, if you squeeze one out while he’s going down on you, just grin and bear it. A quick “sorry” might be in order if it’s a stinker. Men, farting is slightly more socially acceptable for you. Just remember that Brodie got dumped for it in “Mallrats.” Then again, he was dating scary Shannen Doherty, so maybe letting one loose can work in a guy’s favor.

9. Nether-fros
You weren’t planning on having sex tonight and Cabo isn’t ’til next month. Scrimping on waxing or trimming during winter? We all do. But if your bush obscures your partner’s head when he or she gives you head, forgo the oral sex or you’ll risk swallowing your own pubes during that post-coital kiss. Yummy.

8. Botched deep-throats
Girls: Remember that chick in the cafeteria who used to shove an entire banana down her throat to impress dudes? You’re not her. Handle your man’s schlong like a tropical fruit and the only release of bodily fluid is going to be you vomiting on his penis. Remember, you have a gag reflex for a reason! Guys: It feels unreal to be deep-throated, but have you ever maintained an erection after being puked on? Listen for choking noises and respond accordingly.

7. Anal explosions
Some asshole I know got pooped on during anal and he told his entire fraternity. The offender was thus deprived of sex, anal and otherwise, for the remainder of her college career. The lesson here? Always prepare for butt sex. Taking a poo and then aggressively wiping yourself beforehand is a must for women. Guys: don’t act all scandalized if your dick comes out of her ass looking like a Jello Pudding Pop. Yes, your girlfriend is pretty, but she doesn’t shit strawberries and glitter.

6. “Breaking” the penis
The girl’s on top and she comes down on the guy in a passionate, long thrust. The guy groans loudly. Did he come already? she wonders. Suddenly, he throws her off of him, curls into a fetal position and whimpers. She’s “broken” his penis. Rule of thumb: the guy should always hold the girl’s waist if she’s on top to help control the angle of thrusting.

5. UTIs
After a night of nookie, you fall blissfully asleep in each other’s arms, not caring to brush your teeth, wash your face or pee. You’re planning on spending the following day together, when she wakes up at 5 a.m. with a strong urge to urinate. She then flees the apartment. Guys: Stop pretending to like cuddling. Get up after sex and do something in the bathroom so she doesn’t feel like if she gets up to pee, she’ll be missing out on a spoon-fest. Girls: Respect your poon – pish after sex.

4. Spitting ungracefully
Fellatio should end neatly. Ladies, either swallow the love juice or slurp all of it into your mouth before swooping into the bathroom to spit. Do not drool his come all over his penis. Only men are allowed to drool when giving oral sex, and that’s because they don’t know any better.

3. Sex with Aunt Flo
She’s not supposed to visit for two more days, you’re in the middle of foreplay, and suddenly his hands are a little bloody. Fuck! If you’ve been dating awhile, this isn’t a deal breaker. If you haven’t been dating awhile, you sure as hell aren’t going to start now. Girls, know your schedule. Guys, it’s Mother Nature – deal with it.

2. The queef
This unpleasantry is defined as the act of farting through the vagina. Queefing usually occurs during hard thrusting, when air gets caught in the coochie. Girls can pass off the noise as a compliment: “You were doing me so hard, I couldn’t contain myself.” Guys, if this happens, best not to say anything. Make fun of her and it’ll guarantee you won’t be coming – or coming back for more.

1. Why is my eye swollen?
Some men prefer to come on women as opposed to in women. But sometimes he doesn’t just want to come on her tits or ass. Sometimes he likes to ejaculate on her face. Sometimes he misses. And sometimes her eye is swollen for the next 48 hours.

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