A friction position may help you have an orgasm during intercourse. Get on top, for example, so the top of your clitoris is rubbing directly on your partner’s pubic bone. Or lay on your back with a pillow underneath your butt. You may even want to try using a vibrator during intercourse, says Laura Berman, PhD, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and OB-GYN at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University. She recommends the Athena ($11.95) the Aurora ($46.95).
2. Talk the talk.
“Men really want direction,” Berman says. Let your partner know when he’s on the right track, either by telling him what feels great or by moaning.
3. Learn on your own.
You can’t talk the talk if you don’t know what turns you on. “To train your body to be orgasmic, you have to masturbate,” says Danielle Cavallucci, a sex coach with sex information company Sexuality Source.
4. Exercise your orgasm muscles.
“Kegels are the classic exercise for women who want to transform feeble orgasms into fabulous ones,” sex educator Dorian Solot says. Locate these muscles in your pelvic floor by stopping yourself from peeing midstream. Then tone them by clenching when you’re not peeing. Do Kegels every day, ideally a few times a day. And keep breathing while you squeeze.
5. Get risky.
Research shows that engaging in thrill-seeking behaviors together (whether it’s rock climbing or just going to see a scary movie) stimulates dopamine in the brain, which gets your juices flowing.
6. Delay the pleasure.
“The longer the arousal buildup, the bigger the explosion,” Solot says. Get yourself close to orgasm, then slow to a simmer. Repeat that a few times before you climax.
7. Focus on breathing.
Tantric sex may sound new-agey, but its central tenet—focused breathing—may boost your pleasure. “You can use your breath to channel your sexual energy,” sex educator Yvonne Fulbright says. Partners who breathe in tandem may slow the rush to orgasm and create a bigger buildup, which can intensify pleasure.
8. Explore erotica.
Porn isn’t all about big penises and deep throats. Erotic movies and books can be tasteful and arousing, and the more aroused you are, the better your orgasm chances. Berman and Fulbright suggest the Candida Royale films ($9.95 and up); the sex scenes are steamy, and there’s a plot. Berman also recommends literature like the Herotica series, in which women are the lead characters.
9. Try creative foreplay.
If it takes you longer than your partner to warm up, Fulbright says, get a head start by e-mailing or texting each other sexy messages (but don’t get too graphic—e-mail is not necessarily private).
10. Check your meds.
Women are more likely than men to take anti-depressants, which are known to hurt a person’s sex life. If you’re having trouble, talk to your doctor about your meds.
11. Get help early.
If you’re not orgasmic, advice from a pro may be helpful. Nerve damage or low testosterone could be the problem. “Your doctor can do a medical evaluation,” Berman says, “or look at relationship factors.” To find a sex therapist, check with the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.
In a recent French study of 500-plus women, more than 70 percent said work stress compromised their sex drive. A low libido, obviously, lowers chances of orgasm. So ditch life’s distractions at your bedroom door.