7 signs that you’re whipped
Are you constantly walking around in fear that you forget to put the toilet seat down? Are you having problems sleeping because you know if you start snoring you’ll be forced to sleep on the bathroom floor? Are people constantly flipping their hands and making semi-accurate whip noises whenever you’re around? If you answered yes to any of the above there’s a good chance that you are no longer in control of the matters.
1. You have to consult with her before making plans
Your friends invited you to come over to watch the game and get excessively drunk on a Monday night. However, before you can say yes, you have to present a closing-argument-type-speech to your girlfriend asking for permission. She’ll reluctantly say yes, but you’ll be punished later when you come home to find her locking on the old chastity belt.
2. You don’t remember a time when you had friends
You have faint memories of a time when you used to have a group of friends. But the memories are so hazy you’re not even sure if these “friends” were real or part of some trippy dream you had once. Sometimes you think about going onto Facebook and checking on these “friends,” but then you remember your girlfriend wrote violent things on all your ex’s walls and then deleted the account.
3. You’ve seen a Nicholas Sparks movie
Not only did you see “Dear John,” but you paid for the tickets. In fact, you’re such a good boyfriend that you voluntarily dabbed her eyes and cleaned up her mascara as she cried. The Notebook is your go-to Friday night movie DVD and you don’t even remember a time when you didn’t know all the words to the final monologue in Nights in Rodanthe.
4. You use “we” when talking about yourself
No matter how personal of a statement you are making, the pronoun “we” is always used. We went to the bathroom after eating Mexican, we had a weird rash on our stomach, and we had really bad period cramps today. The other day you tried saying “I” and ending up choking on your own tongue.
5. You always pay
Whether you’re going out to dinner or paying for Midol cramp relief, you always pay. You’re not even sure if your girlfriend owns a wallet or has a bank account since she’s never once offered to pay for anything. In the past year she surprised you by opening up 6 different credit cards in your name and claimed that debt was your problem and she didn’t want to hear another word about it.
6. You had to ask permission to go your grandma’s funeral
She was beyond control when you asked her if you could skip Friday DVD night to go to your grandmother’s funeral. She didn’t speak to you for weeks when you asked her to come with you for emotional support. And she wouldn’t sleep with you for four months after the funeral because you so rudely asked her not to wear her black leather mini-skirt to the service.
7. You’re castrated
Your courage has left you forever. Sometimes you dream of getting it back back. But then you remember that taking them back would only inevitably lead to “stop leaving the toilet seat up” fights.
Share an emailSure, you've got nothing to hide. Yeah, you trust her and she trusts you. Doesn't matter. Girlfriends misinterpret. It's their job. And when the two of you are sharing an email address, you're just giving her an opportunity to misinterpret every waking hour of the day. She'll be fighting with you over the penis enlargement spam in no time. "Who are you trying to enlarge your penis for? You're cheating on me, aren't you?!"
Move in togetherAhh, the classic rookie mistake. Now, we're not saying you should NEVER move in with your girlfriend. If you've gone out for years and one of you spends the significant portion of their time at the other one's abode and it makes sense for your commute and the move is a step up for your living situation, then by all means... wait two months and then maybe move in. But we know you -- you're gonna be tempted to want to spend every waking moment with your girl after the 2nd glorious, sex-filled month. And that's a mistake. Rushing in to a cohabitation situation is akin to eating a cake 30 minutes before it's done -- it's going to suck and it'll leave a bad taste in your mouth.
Take out a loanYou need a chunk of change to bankroll your budding JetSki Food Delivery service (every guy's got a dream). Your girlfriend believes in your budding JetSki Food Delivery service idea and she has better credit than you so she'd like to co-sign on the loan you're going to take out with the bank. WAIT! No. Back up. This is the worst idea ever. Not only does it violate the boundary between work and personal life, it adds undue financial stress on the bond you have with your girlfriend. What if your JetSki Food Delivery service fails (it will)? Now your girlfriend owes the bank $10,000, you've got no means to pay her back and she's growing increasingly resentful of those four JetSkis you have sitting around in your garage, collecting artful dust. Even if she wants to give you all the money in the world, be a proud man and say no. Then ask her if you can talk to her father instead.
Get a dogFor a couple, a dog is, in many cases, a stand-in for a child. She'll be taking mental notes on how you treat Barney, the beloved French Bulldog, and jotting those notes down on the "Pros" and "Cons" column of the whiteboard in her head that she has dedicated to you. If that doesn't take the fun out of a shared dog, the thought of what will happen to the dog when you break up will. Poor pooch. If you want to get a dog, get one for yourself, bring him home and tell her, "Hey babe, meet my new rottweiler. His name is Ron Mexico."
Take a trip over 2 weeksShared vacations are awesome. Especially ones that involve beaches, comfy hotel rooms and soundproof walls. But there's a fun-to-hell threshold you cross once the two of you have been traveling for longer than 2 weeks. Then, the stress of being in a strange place gets compounded by the fact that you have no time to yourself. Pile on top of that being confined in small rooms (even the largest hotel room can't compare to your man cave) and having to see the same person literally every second of the day for two weeks (that's 1,209,600 seconds spent together). When it comes to a relaxing shared vacation together... quit while you're ahead.
Work togetherThis should be a no-brainer -- you already hate and resent all the people you work with, so why go and add your girlfriend to that list? You'll be tempted to do one off projects with her (maybe she's a graphic designer and you need designs for the hood of your rad new Trans Am), but no matter how small the project, working with your girlfriend in a professional capacity is like sticking your hand in a bee's nest -- that thing that used to give you honey is now sending you into anaphylactic shock.
Renovate a house (or anything)If you're renovating a house in general, you're braver than us. But if you're renovating a house with your girlfriend, you're a brave man with a relationship death wish. Girls aren't good at construction, carpentry, plumbing, painting walls, moving furniture or even unpacking boxes. This is not a slight -- girls will happily admit that they are not suited for home renovations other than some sort of order-giving capacity. And you don't need someone barking, "No, move it three inches!" while you're in the middle of lugging a refrigerator up three flights of stairs (because, sometimes you want a cold brew in the attic... duh). Rope a buddy into helping you and let her go to the day spa. Trust us.
Critique each other's workIt doesn't matter what you do -- artist, writer, computer programmer, amateur bull rider -- don't invite her to critique your stuff. Even if what she has to say is positive, she's probably going to highlight something you hate. And same goes for you -- don't tell her how you feel about her vampire-inspired latin sonnets. Even if she insists, tell her "Made Man said no." She'll understand.
Cook for more than 5 peopleA surefire way to get into a woman's pants is to cook for her. It makes perfect sense -- the meal's gonna be decent, unless you really, really suck; she's going to be impressed with your skills; she'll be happy to be waited on and served and most importantly, your kitchen is right near your bedroom. And if she wants to help out... or hell, even take the lead on the meal, it's still gonna be great and you're still gonna get laid. Invite a few friends over and if they're mildly impressed, you're in! So don't go and spoil that surefire sex switch by agreeing to cook together for a large group of people. If you've ever worked in a restaurant during the dinner rush, you'll instantly know what we're talking about -- there will be gross food flying everywhere, the two of you will be insulting each other, swearing up a blue streak that would make Howard Stern blush and you'll be so overwhelmed neither of you will have a chance to eat. Suddenly, your surefire way to her heart has heartburn. Just hire a catering crew instead. Let them fight it out.
Take a classThis rule applies to the most official of classes (college, graduate etc.) all the way to the least official (a knitting circle or book club). One person will work harder than the other one and it's going to be annoying for the both of you. Just let her take her class and come home and regale you with tales of the lazy, idiot students she has to deal with. Don't volunteer to become one of them.
Make each other homemade giftsYes, your mom loved your hand-drawn Christmas card. Your girlfriend's not your mom. She wants a necklace, or a cute dress... heck, even a pair of naughty underwear. Just don't make her something. That doesn't mean she's superficial. You wouldn't want her to sculpt you an ashtray for your birthday either.
Play golf, bowling or video gamesIt's cute that your girl has an interest in sports. And thank goodness she stays active... three laps a day keeps the fat rolls away. But no matter what, always avoid the temptation to take her golfing or bowling. Those two "sports" are slow paced enough that she could be just as good as you. Or better. And that will cause problems. And if she's terrible at either, she'll be bored out of her skull. The same rule applies to video games... she'll either whoop your butt and leave you bitter and embarrassed or she'll be whining for the whole thing to be over with.
Have a threesomeAvoid having a threesome with your girlfriend at all costs. Well, avoid it unless you enjoy watching a loving relationship devolve into a seedy, exploitative mess. Or if you really want to get rid of her in a fun, creative way! [Ed. Note: Debatable]
Have kidsDon't turn your hot mama into your baby mama. That should go without saying, but for those few (idiots) on the fence, just know that children, in addition to being the ultimate time and money suck, also douse water over any romantic flame your relationship may've had.
Get marriedThe best way to kill a perfectly good relationship is to go and get married. It's like they say -- don't fix what aint broken. If you absolutely HAVE to get married, then get married to a stranger and keep your girlfriend around on the side. WE'RE KIDDING, we're kidding! Sort of.